Come Thanksgiving dinner, as families gathered around tables give thanks, many special needs parents may be secretly adding their prayers that their children will weather the day OK. Juggling holiday gatherings with your child’s challenges can be tricky. These are some of the strategies I’ve used successfully over the years, along with ones from fellow special needs parents.
1. Don’t be a martyr.
Holidays tend to bring out the Martha Stewart in many people, but not me. For years now, we’ve ordered most of our meal from Whole Foods. As a working mom raising a child with special needs, it’s what I’ve needed to make my life work (and tasty). Says Katrina M,, “We have someone else make the meal, be it catered or super grandma. We have someone else bring the wine. We host and provide rolls for ht meal and dessert an, coffee.” Hint: It’s not too late to ask someone else to make the sweet potato pie.
2. Prep the turkey…and your kid.
Some parents find that making a social story or visual schedule of Thanksgiving day can help. Says Barbara J., whose son has ADHD, “I find that if I prep him about what to expect, where we’re going, who’s going to be there, etc., it really helps him transition.”
3. Prep your family, too.
Bianca A. primes her family about how her child’s day is going once relatives gather. I like to send out emails ahead of Thanksgiving Day noting stuff my son is into (this year, it’s fire trucks) and reminding people not to clap or cheer over stuff since that tends to set him off.
4. Change your expectations.
It used to pain me that my son didn’t want to sit at the table with us. But over time I realized he was perfectly content playing with toys in another room—why torture myself over it? “I don’t ever force my son with autism and SPD to sit and have dinner with us,” says Tracy P. “It’s much more pleasant for everyone if he gets to play with his toys while we have dinner, and if he wants to sit with us, he can.”
5. Bust out the iDevice.
Plenty of parents rely on iPads, tablets or other electronic devices to placate their children when things get too overwhelming—with no heaping helping of guilt. “The iPad is our savior!” gushes Karen P. “My daughter is allowed to use it before dinner, while everyone is visiting. It keeps her occupied and distracted, and she will often sit with the group while using it.” Mom Stacey N. goes with tunes: “Headphones and classical music on the iPod, or a walk outside.”
6. Prepare some nontraditional dishes.
Pasta on Thanksgiving? Bring it. “My son has SPD and major food issues. So I always make sure there’s Kraft mac and cheese on the table, because I know he’ll eat that,” says KL W. “He has to have other foods on his plate, for exposure purposes, and he has to take a (tiny) bite of each of these other foods, but he knows he can stuff his face with mac and and cheese, so he’s more willing to try the other foods without fearing he’ll starve.” And make enough to go around! Says Jennifer R, “I make stuff to bring that I know my kids will eat because they’re picky, but I’ll make enough to share with everyone there.”
7. Create a quiet space.
“I keep my bedroom as a quiet room for my son with severe autism,” says Dolly S. “He gets overwhelmed with all the family in the house…. He loves to go in there and pile pillows on himself and flop on the bed.” Adds Jeannette H., who has two children with sensory issues in her family, “We have a sensory room, ball, weighted blanket and bean bag chair.”
8. Have an escape plan.
If you’re headed to someone else’s home, you may need to head out early if a child is on sensory overload or just pooped out. Says Joanna Dreifus of Special Kids NYC, “It usually means leaving way before everyone else, or relying on another adult—grandparent or aunt—to bring him home early. I’ll explain he has to go to bed early and is overtired or overstimulated. Or I’ll take him home and my older kid stays on and enjoys the rest of the gathering. These are my year-round strategies for all holidays and birthday parties!”
Wishing your family a happy, calm Thankgsiving.
From my other blog:
How parents can talk to kids about ones with special needs
Good Night Moon: Special Needs Edition
A cool way to describe kids with special needs
Image of plate of Thanksgiving food via Shutterstock